Monday, December 15, 2008

10 Reasons for being a Hopeless Romantic!!!

Knowledge is a tricky thing and I plan to do no harm. But here it goes.

1. The only girls I know are married , cousins , committed or stay in a far off land.

2. The last time a girl smiled at me was on 13 Sep 2008(yeah I remembered the date).It was only later that I realized that my fly was open.

3. My conversation with a girl on the phone :

ME : Hello, wassup??
She : Nothing much…just the regular stuff.
ME : ..and wat else…???
She : nothing yaar…u tell wat else??
ME : nothing here too..
(long pause)
ME : ok then….take care…keep in touch!!
She : bbye!!

4. My scraps to a girl read something like this :

1st week : Hi there!!...watz up??
(no reply)
2nd week : hey there…long time no see!!!
(no reply)
3rd week : hi there… do drop in a scrap!!
(…still no reply)
4th week : they tell me persistence is the key…so here goes..Hiiii!!!
(….still still no reply)..
….u get the picture right??

5. I’ve never been on a date with a girl. The only time I’ve been out with a girl , we’ve been accompanied with our common friends.

6. I don’t have a girlfriend till date.

7. I don’t have a girls pic as my laptop’s screensaver, mobile’s screen saver or in my wallet.

8. The only time I’ve danced with a girl was in my 4th std for the school function.

9. I’m a social outcast , an oddball when it comes to relationships.

10. I’m too lazy to send fwd msgs!!!....

Note : The views held here are solely of the writer and do not resemble him or any other person living or dead in his vicinity. The writer is very much sane and his sexual orientation is in the right spot (bottomline : He’s straight). Any comments pouring sympathy are unsought for.

Friday, December 12, 2008


Why is it that so many of us end up with a person who is completely wrong for us? Let’s dissect the problem scientifically. The girl seemed amazing enough when you started out, right? So what is it that now makes you want to sock her in the eye whenever she is within a 5 kilometer radius?

Oh I know, she was just sooo cute back when! Her cute smile would light up your day and her tantrums would make you go weak in your knees while she always played with her hair when she talked.And now she is just so irritating! She laughs like a bimbo at the most irrelevant jokes, her tantrums make you want to strangle her and her fiddling with the hair is such a turn off. Yetch!
A rational reason for this could be that we rush in headlong without grokking the situation. No, it’s not an old wives’ tale.

Just imagine, you are all worked up and your sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive. Your pupils are perpetually dilated and you look at the world as if through a soft focus lens, with all the jagged edges blurred out. All capacity for rational thought goes right out the window. Is it any wonder then that the person you have a crush on seems most enchanting and perfectly perfect?

But how long can this precarious phase last?

A couple of months down the lane the endorphin induced high peters off and all the kinks you found so endearing in the person can now be seen for what they truly are. Six months and they begin to grate on your nerves. Throw in a couple of weeks and you are now wondering what in heaven’s name were you thinking!A crush usually runs its course over four months (to a maximum of one year if you are the really soppy sort. Anything longer than that and you might want to consider making an appointment with your family psychiatrist to discuss obsessive compulsive disorder). This process of course, takes half the time if you strike up a relationship with the object of your infatuation. For the simple reason that that would involve being bright eyed about slave labour.(unless you are one of the rare species that are cool with me drinking with my buddies, don’t mind the occassional pot-smoking sessions I have with friends, love the slanging matches we have over football and rate Prison Break & Mean Machines over the OC and Bold & the Beautiful.) (You are?! Erm... are you straight? May I have your phone number?).

Now, this dude/dame you have a crush on could be a genuine A1 sweetheart with a heart of gold, an infinite improbability drive and the works, but you can’t really rule out the possibility of their being cold, calculating slave drivers who can’t tell people from disposable diapers.(you are incapable of rational thought, remember?)

All I’m saying is that if lady luck never quite liked the shape of your ears it might not be such a bad idea to consider the situation before going on your knees to profess undying love.
Which of course, is useless advice since you are incapable of rational thought, but anyhow.

p.s. :By saying all this I do not intend to sound disillusioned or disgruntled. The ‘true love’ phenomenon might just exist in spite of the superior smirks with which we settle the issue. This could of course be entirely due to the fact that I’m an agnostic and not an atheist; a point of view that isn’t limited to religion alone. Anyhow, we might as well keep room for the possibility, in which case I suggest the contingency plan be to not waste time making contingency plan.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who's drunk and who's just stupid”
- Richard Braunstein

Any bartender worth his Bloody Mary should be able to distinguish between the aforementioned categories. The hard part lies in telling apart the various categories of drunks. Now the behavior of a drunk generally has precious little to do with his or her sober avatar. For example, don't be surprised to see your normally stony-faced tough guy friend gaze around benevolently with a dreamy smile and say "I love you guys" after he's consumed 300ml of his favourite beverage. He may just be a sentimentalist. Here's a comprehensive guide that could potentially make the lives of bartenders a lot easy.

The Sentimentalist:
Generally known to get in touch with his softer side when under the influence, the sentimentalist will talk about his deepest feelings with utmost abandon, Much like if he were reclining on the shrink's couch. His some semblance of a conversation may range from his ex girlfriends to the snobby cute face residing in his colony.Similar to a spiller, but not quite as dangerous.

The Repeater:
As the name suggests, this species may repeat sentences, (or even songs in some cases), without realising it, and possibly with lengthy pauses between repeats.A conversation with such a specimen may proceed somewhat like this:
Somewhat Sober: "Dude, are you drinking?"
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!"
(5 minutes later)
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!"
(5 minutes later)
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!

The Aggressor:
Exhibits (normally unnatural) violent behaviour when in a drunken stupor.Likely to pick a fight even with the bouncer. Which, by the way, is normally not a very good idea.
Aggressor1 + Aggressor2 -> Drunken Brawl
Aggressor1 + Bouncer -> Bouncer
An aggressor and a foulmouth is NOT a good combination.

The FoulMouth:
If you are under the age of eighteen, please take precautions to see that your eyes and ears are tightly shut when this species is in his/her element. The consequences could be serious.

The Feeler:
If you ever doubted the sexuality of your friend, this could very well be the time to confirm those suspicions. Common symptoms are: befriending strangers of the same sex (generally fellow Feelers, for they have great affinity) by establishing initial contact physically, rather than verbally, followed by a very uncomfortable looking intimate conversation.

The Spiller:
This species is probably the most dangerous of them all. When inebriated to a fair degree, a spiller will begin talking openly about everything that he/she is not supposed to. Secrets shall be revealed. The truth shall be told. All hail the spiller, the overlord of all drunks.

The Entertainer:
If you ever thought that the entertainment business was out of real talent you should see this species in his element.His acts may range from stand up comedy to a sing-and-dance performance.He’s mostly harmless but may turn into a foulmouth or an agressor if adequate support is not garnered from the “audience”.Sometimes his parameters of “adequate support” may exceed a full house Bill Cosby Show or a live Guns & Roses performance.As a ground rule this species mostly houses people with stage fright and sagging confidence levels.

The Robot:
This is the rarest of all species. The Robot's behaviour does not change even under the most acutely alcoholic circumstances. This is the guardian (and sometimes designated driver) of all species.

Note: A drunk may fall under any number of categories simultaneously.
“A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts” - unknown

Friday, December 5, 2008

MUMBAI for Dummies

The eight point guide to enriching your Mumbai experience:

1. When looking to imbibe the true essence of Mumbai, it is best for one to look out for a couple of local low-lifes to show you around. Preferably ones equipped with transportation, gatorade and a morbid sense of humour. Once they're done with you, Mumbai's ugly underbelly will never have looked as good.

2. Travelling around Mumbai is a stress-free experience. There are a few rules to follow though, to ensure your own safety, and that of other's.
First rule: Never hesitate when looking to switch lanes, or you may confuse fellow motorists and cause an accident.
Second Rule: Try not to hit anything.

3. Are you the sort that doesn't fit in? Do you ever wonder if there's anyone out there who's as freakishly weird as you? If the answer to these questions is 'yes' (or if you're fond of yak cheese and coffee cream cake), then Kyani Bakery is the place for you. It is here that one may talk about sex, drugs and rock n' roll freely without the guy at the other table casting suspicious glances in your direction. Well, maybe not rock n' roll. get the picture.

4. Mumbai has no amusement parks in the real sense.Esselworld and the likes ceased to be amusement parks when I was 12. However, if you're the thrill seeking variety, you may just enjoy speeding along the one-way Western Express Highway in the opposite direction. This may not evoke too many reactions from passers-by, but is a fun experience nonetheless. And if really adventurous, one may try the same exercise during the hours that there’s a landslide during monsoons on the Western Express Highway and it is choc-a-bloc. Direction is immaterial in this case.

5. Do you love shopping for clothes? For the latest in high fashion, do visit the road side fashion plaza that adorns the wall outside Bandra station.

6. It is not uncommon for tourists in Mumbai to be unable to come to terms with some of the city's quirks. The consequences are known to be serious in some cases. So as a word of caution, when anything that you see or hear seems inexplicable, take a deep breath, and say aloud, "This Is Mumbai" (TIM)

7. If u spot a few gun totting guys spraying bullets don’t panic, just lie down and pretend to be dead. Resume your journey once they have left. This might just be yet another terror attack on the city.

8. If you are the macho kind and want to test your masculinity the 2030 hrs Virar fast is the perfect train for you. If you come back alive I’ll dish out a few more tips. Till then….Bon Voyage!!!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

These few lines are a reflection of the apathy of the general public towards our hardships & the apathy of the government as well!!

I hear, we have crossed the sixtieth year,
Standing guard without any fear,
Another day in the desert sun,
Or a night at height, with a freezing gun,
Tell me my India "What I am worth."
For the Battles and Wars that I fight,
Never asking which one is right,
From Dawn to Dusk and then to Dawn,
Your Bishop, Your Knight Your Eternal Pawn,
Tell me my India "What I am worth."
While you fill your coffers today,
Wondering where and how to make,
Another fortune, another buy,
Your aspirations are now touching the Sky,
Tell me my India" what I am worth."
You make a mention on your political line,
Come to my post, wine and dine,
Then run to your stock, while I stand your guard,
Killing and dying but still fighting hard,
Tell me my India" what I am worth."
The other day I was on TV too,
You came up to me with your educated crew,
Told me to speak cos you seemed to care,
Wrote your story stripped me bare.
I was so naive I didn't know,
For you it was the nine o'clock show,
The country wants to hear some line,
Before they sleep, knowing they are fine,
Tell me my India" what I am worth."
My Men tell me, that they are strong,
Would fight for their country, for all that's wrong,
While I tell them to stand and fight,
You ignore my existence, my very right,
Tell me my India" what I am worth."
I thought I would tell my children in time,
How I fought for this country, this love of mine,
I wonder, if I should mention it though,
Don't want them embarrassed, while they start to grow,
Tell me my India" what I am worth."
I was your ambition, your child hood dream,
Your Pilot, Your Sailor your Jawan in green,
Where did we part as friends,
our ways I never let you down a single day,
Tell me my India" what I am worth."
Why do I still serve you?
How you play with us, did you ever see?
At Seven, I had decided what I wanted to be;
I would serve you to the end,All these boundaries I would defend.
Now you make me look like a fool,
When at Seventeen and just out of school;
Went to the place where they made 'men out of boys'
Lived a tough life …sacrificed a few joys…
In those days, I would see my 'civilian' friends,
Living a life with the fashion trends;
Enjoying their so called 'College Days'
While I sweated and bled in the sun and haze…
But I never thought twice about what where or why
All I knew was when the time came, I'd be ready to do or die.
At 21 and with my commission in hand,
Under the glory of the parade and the band,
I took the oath to protect you over land, air or sea,
And make the supreme sacrifice when the need came to be.
I stood there with a sense of recognition,
But on that day I never had the premonition,
that when the time came to give me my due,
You'd just say,' What is so great that you do?'
Long back you promised a well to do life;
And when I'm away, take care of my wife.
You came and saw the hardships I live through,
And I saw you make a note or two,
And I hoped you would realise the worth of me;
but now I know you'll never be able to see,
Because you only see the glorified life of mine,
Did you see the place where death looms all the time?
Did you meet the man standing guard in the snow?
The name of his newborn he does not know...
Did you meet the man whose father breathed his last?
While the sailor patrolled our seas so vast?
You still know I'll not be the one to raise my voice
I will stand tall and protect you in Punjab, Himachal and Thois.
But that's just me you have in the sun and rain,
For now at Twenty three, you make me think again;
About the decision I made, eight years back!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


With drinking no longer taboo for middle class urban Indian women, they’re imbibing it with much spirit drinking! “I love dancing when I’m drinking! Dancing when you are sober is just not the same!” exclaimed a female friend of mine. Another chirped “I love how the music gets into you,and your body sort of sways with the music. Drinking makes me happy,chatty and uninhibited.” These friends of mine are one of the thousands of urban middle class Indian women who head to a bar a couple of times every week,to wind down with a drink after a hard day’s work,or pass the night in a hedonistic blur of potent cocktails and shots. Fuelled with their new financial independence and the increasing social tolerance of women’s drinking, more urban women are drinking than before. They might begin their drinking careers with innocuous-tasting Baileys and breezers;comforting the sweet confections which, nevertheless, contain hard spirits. But they soon move on to undisguised and unabashedly stiffer drinks-whisky,vodka,gin.
What’s even more appaling is, more than half the number of women who drink are “binge drinking” – putting the drinks away as fast and furiously as their male counterparts. At most parties, when everybody agrees that one’s level of merriment is measured in direct proportion with the number of drinks they’ve downed, binge drinking becomes almost a social obligation. It’s a daunting challenge to persistenly sidestep your hosts’ outraged cries of “Where’s your drink?” Neither does it win you any admirers. Another female colleague of mine has reserved her most scathing contempt for teetotalers. “Why would you come to a pub and then not drink? That’s boring!” she declares. “You risk being labelled a moralistic tightass, unable to relax. At such parties and get-togethers, sober people don’t fit in.”
It isn’t the same environment anymore, not by any stretch of the imagination. It’s a world where the spectacle of a tipsy woman tottering on high heels isn’t confined to a Bollywood allegory of fallen virtue, but a sight so common now that it no longer raises an eyebrow. Where girls nursing pounding hangovers outdo one another with tales of how cataclysmically ‘wasted” they got the previous night. Where the mid-week ‘Ladies night’ orgy of free cocktails has become the riguer in any watering hole aspiring to be the next it-bar. And with a quarter of the Indian alcohol industry’s 15 % annual market growth being fuelled by women,liquor companies are constantly diversifying their arsenal to make sure women don’t stray away from the bar. Advertising their wares might be banned, but this does not stop them from sponsoring exactly the sorts of events that attract hip young women - rock concerts,club nights,parties-to sample newly launched liqueurs,breezers and pre-packaged shots. For the increasing number of women with the social sanction and disposable incomes to have access to this beguiling array of booze,it’s hard to stop at just one or two.

Well, it’s a strange world we live in these days and even stranger the people we interact with. But I guess the men folk will agree that there’s nothing more sexy than a woman sippin’ on a drink in a bar. Its an equally colossal turn off to watch a pretty face get wasted in an array of alcoholic spirits. So whatever the reason for drinking, watch your step ladies, ‘coz its quite slippery down where the road to “spirit villa” leads. But for now I’m off to the bar to watch some pretty young faces down their drinks almost with a vengeance and see them shed their inhibitions and dance…..till then Adios amigos & senoritas….