Monday, December 15, 2008

10 Reasons for being a Hopeless Romantic!!!

Knowledge is a tricky thing and I plan to do no harm. But here it goes.

1. The only girls I know are married , cousins , committed or stay in a far off land.

2. The last time a girl smiled at me was on 13 Sep 2008(yeah I remembered the date).It was only later that I realized that my fly was open.

3. My conversation with a girl on the phone :

ME : Hello, wassup??
She : Nothing much…just the regular stuff.
ME : ..and wat else…???
She : nothing yaar…u tell wat else??
ME : nothing here too..
(long pause)
ME : ok then….take care…keep in touch!!
She : bbye!!

4. My scraps to a girl read something like this :

1st week : Hi there!!...watz up??
(no reply)
2nd week : hey there…long time no see!!!
(no reply)
3rd week : hi there… do drop in a scrap!!
(…still no reply)
4th week : they tell me persistence is the key…so here goes..Hiiii!!!
(….still still no reply)..
….u get the picture right??

5. I’ve never been on a date with a girl. The only time I’ve been out with a girl , we’ve been accompanied with our common friends.

6. I don’t have a girlfriend till date.

7. I don’t have a girls pic as my laptop’s screensaver, mobile’s screen saver or in my wallet.

8. The only time I’ve danced with a girl was in my 4th std for the school function.

9. I’m a social outcast , an oddball when it comes to relationships.

10. I’m too lazy to send fwd msgs!!!....

Note : The views held here are solely of the writer and do not resemble him or any other person living or dead in his vicinity. The writer is very much sane and his sexual orientation is in the right spot (bottomline : He’s straight). Any comments pouring sympathy are unsought for.

Friday, December 12, 2008


Why is it that so many of us end up with a person who is completely wrong for us? Let’s dissect the problem scientifically. The girl seemed amazing enough when you started out, right? So what is it that now makes you want to sock her in the eye whenever she is within a 5 kilometer radius?

Oh I know, she was just sooo cute back when! Her cute smile would light up your day and her tantrums would make you go weak in your knees while she always played with her hair when she talked.And now she is just so irritating! She laughs like a bimbo at the most irrelevant jokes, her tantrums make you want to strangle her and her fiddling with the hair is such a turn off. Yetch!
A rational reason for this could be that we rush in headlong without grokking the situation. No, it’s not an old wives’ tale.

Just imagine, you are all worked up and your sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive. Your pupils are perpetually dilated and you look at the world as if through a soft focus lens, with all the jagged edges blurred out. All capacity for rational thought goes right out the window. Is it any wonder then that the person you have a crush on seems most enchanting and perfectly perfect?

But how long can this precarious phase last?

A couple of months down the lane the endorphin induced high peters off and all the kinks you found so endearing in the person can now be seen for what they truly are. Six months and they begin to grate on your nerves. Throw in a couple of weeks and you are now wondering what in heaven’s name were you thinking!A crush usually runs its course over four months (to a maximum of one year if you are the really soppy sort. Anything longer than that and you might want to consider making an appointment with your family psychiatrist to discuss obsessive compulsive disorder). This process of course, takes half the time if you strike up a relationship with the object of your infatuation. For the simple reason that that would involve being bright eyed about slave labour.(unless you are one of the rare species that are cool with me drinking with my buddies, don’t mind the occassional pot-smoking sessions I have with friends, love the slanging matches we have over football and rate Prison Break & Mean Machines over the OC and Bold & the Beautiful.) (You are?! Erm... are you straight? May I have your phone number?).

Now, this dude/dame you have a crush on could be a genuine A1 sweetheart with a heart of gold, an infinite improbability drive and the works, but you can’t really rule out the possibility of their being cold, calculating slave drivers who can’t tell people from disposable diapers.(you are incapable of rational thought, remember?)

All I’m saying is that if lady luck never quite liked the shape of your ears it might not be such a bad idea to consider the situation before going on your knees to profess undying love.
Which of course, is useless advice since you are incapable of rational thought, but anyhow.

p.s. :By saying all this I do not intend to sound disillusioned or disgruntled. The ‘true love’ phenomenon might just exist in spite of the superior smirks with which we settle the issue. This could of course be entirely due to the fact that I’m an agnostic and not an atheist; a point of view that isn’t limited to religion alone. Anyhow, we might as well keep room for the possibility, in which case I suggest the contingency plan be to not waste time making contingency plan.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who's drunk and who's just stupid”
- Richard Braunstein

Any bartender worth his Bloody Mary should be able to distinguish between the aforementioned categories. The hard part lies in telling apart the various categories of drunks. Now the behavior of a drunk generally has precious little to do with his or her sober avatar. For example, don't be surprised to see your normally stony-faced tough guy friend gaze around benevolently with a dreamy smile and say "I love you guys" after he's consumed 300ml of his favourite beverage. He may just be a sentimentalist. Here's a comprehensive guide that could potentially make the lives of bartenders a lot easy.

The Sentimentalist:
Generally known to get in touch with his softer side when under the influence, the sentimentalist will talk about his deepest feelings with utmost abandon, Much like if he were reclining on the shrink's couch. His some semblance of a conversation may range from his ex girlfriends to the snobby cute face residing in his colony.Similar to a spiller, but not quite as dangerous.

The Repeater:
As the name suggests, this species may repeat sentences, (or even songs in some cases), without realising it, and possibly with lengthy pauses between repeats.A conversation with such a specimen may proceed somewhat like this:
Somewhat Sober: "Dude, are you drinking?"
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!"
(5 minutes later)
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!"
(5 minutes later)
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!

The Aggressor:
Exhibits (normally unnatural) violent behaviour when in a drunken stupor.Likely to pick a fight even with the bouncer. Which, by the way, is normally not a very good idea.
Aggressor1 + Aggressor2 -> Drunken Brawl
Aggressor1 + Bouncer -> Bouncer
An aggressor and a foulmouth is NOT a good combination.

The FoulMouth:
If you are under the age of eighteen, please take precautions to see that your eyes and ears are tightly shut when this species is in his/her element. The consequences could be serious.

The Feeler:
If you ever doubted the sexuality of your friend, this could very well be the time to confirm those suspicions. Common symptoms are: befriending strangers of the same sex (generally fellow Feelers, for they have great affinity) by establishing initial contact physically, rather than verbally, followed by a very uncomfortable looking intimate conversation.

The Spiller:
This species is probably the most dangerous of them all. When inebriated to a fair degree, a spiller will begin talking openly about everything that he/she is not supposed to. Secrets shall be revealed. The truth shall be told. All hail the spiller, the overlord of all drunks.

The Entertainer:
If you ever thought that the entertainment business was out of real talent you should see this species in his element.His acts may range from stand up comedy to a sing-and-dance performance.He’s mostly harmless but may turn into a foulmouth or an agressor if adequate support is not garnered from the “audience”.Sometimes his parameters of “adequate support” may exceed a full house Bill Cosby Show or a live Guns & Roses performance.As a ground rule this species mostly houses people with stage fright and sagging confidence levels.

The Robot:
This is the rarest of all species. The Robot's behaviour does not change even under the most acutely alcoholic circumstances. This is the guardian (and sometimes designated driver) of all species.

Note: A drunk may fall under any number of categories simultaneously.
“A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts” - unknown

Friday, December 5, 2008

MUMBAI for Dummies

The eight point guide to enriching your Mumbai experience:

1. When looking to imbibe the true essence of Mumbai, it is best for one to look out for a couple of local low-lifes to show you around. Preferably ones equipped with transportation, gatorade and a morbid sense of humour. Once they're done with you, Mumbai's ugly underbelly will never have looked as good.

2. Travelling around Mumbai is a stress-free experience. There are a few rules to follow though, to ensure your own safety, and that of other's.
First rule: Never hesitate when looking to switch lanes, or you may confuse fellow motorists and cause an accident.
Second Rule: Try not to hit anything.

3. Are you the sort that doesn't fit in? Do you ever wonder if there's anyone out there who's as freakishly weird as you? If the answer to these questions is 'yes' (or if you're fond of yak cheese and coffee cream cake), then Kyani Bakery is the place for you. It is here that one may talk about sex, drugs and rock n' roll freely without the guy at the other table casting suspicious glances in your direction. Well, maybe not rock n' roll. get the picture.

4. Mumbai has no amusement parks in the real sense.Esselworld and the likes ceased to be amusement parks when I was 12. However, if you're the thrill seeking variety, you may just enjoy speeding along the one-way Western Express Highway in the opposite direction. This may not evoke too many reactions from passers-by, but is a fun experience nonetheless. And if really adventurous, one may try the same exercise during the hours that there’s a landslide during monsoons on the Western Express Highway and it is choc-a-bloc. Direction is immaterial in this case.

5. Do you love shopping for clothes? For the latest in high fashion, do visit the road side fashion plaza that adorns the wall outside Bandra station.

6. It is not uncommon for tourists in Mumbai to be unable to come to terms with some of the city's quirks. The consequences are known to be serious in some cases. So as a word of caution, when anything that you see or hear seems inexplicable, take a deep breath, and say aloud, "This Is Mumbai" (TIM)

7. If u spot a few gun totting guys spraying bullets don’t panic, just lie down and pretend to be dead. Resume your journey once they have left. This might just be yet another terror attack on the city.

8. If you are the macho kind and want to test your masculinity the 2030 hrs Virar fast is the perfect train for you. If you come back alive I’ll dish out a few more tips. Till then….Bon Voyage!!!