MUMBAI for Dummies

The eight point guide to enriching your Mumbai experience:

1. When looking to imbibe the true essence of Mumbai, it is best for one to look out for a couple of local low-lifes to show you around. Preferably ones equipped with transportation, gatorade and a morbid sense of humour. Once they're done with you, Mumbai's ugly underbelly will never have looked as good.

2. Travelling around Mumbai is a stress-free experience. There are a few rules to follow though, to ensure your own safety, and that of other's.
First rule: Never hesitate when looking to switch lanes, or you may confuse fellow motorists and cause an accident.
Second Rule: Try not to hit anything.

3. Are you the sort that doesn't fit in? Do you ever wonder if there's anyone out there who's as freakishly weird as you? If the answer to these questions is 'yes' (or if you're fond of yak cheese and coffee cream cake), then Kyani Bakery is the place for you. It is here that one may talk about sex, drugs and rock n' roll freely without the guy at the other table casting suspicious glances in your direction. Well, maybe not rock n' roll. But...you get the picture.

4. Mumbai has no amusement parks in the real sense.Esselworld and the likes ceased to be amusement parks when I was 12. However, if you're the thrill seeking variety, you may just enjoy speeding along the one-way Western Express Highway in the opposite direction. This may not evoke too many reactions from passers-by, but is a fun experience nonetheless. And if really adventurous, one may try the same exercise during the hours that there’s a landslide during monsoons on the Western Express Highway and it is choc-a-bloc. Direction is immaterial in this case.

5. Do you love shopping for clothes? For the latest in high fashion, do visit the road side fashion plaza that adorns the wall outside Bandra station.

6. It is not uncommon for tourists in Mumbai to be unable to come to terms with some of the city's quirks. The consequences are known to be serious in some cases. So as a word of caution, when anything that you see or hear seems inexplicable, take a deep breath, and say aloud, "This Is Mumbai" (TIM)

7. If u spot a few gun totting guys spraying bullets don’t panic, just lie down and pretend to be dead. Resume your journey once they have left. This might just be yet another terror attack on the city.

8. If you are the macho kind and want to test your masculinity the 2030 hrs Virar fast is the perfect train for you. If you come back alive I’ll dish out a few more tips. Till then….Bon Voyage!!!