Wednesday, December 10, 2008


“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who's drunk and who's just stupid”
- Richard Braunstein

Any bartender worth his Bloody Mary should be able to distinguish between the aforementioned categories. The hard part lies in telling apart the various categories of drunks. Now the behavior of a drunk generally has precious little to do with his or her sober avatar. For example, don't be surprised to see your normally stony-faced tough guy friend gaze around benevolently with a dreamy smile and say "I love you guys" after he's consumed 300ml of his favourite beverage. He may just be a sentimentalist. Here's a comprehensive guide that could potentially make the lives of bartenders a lot easy.

The Sentimentalist:
Generally known to get in touch with his softer side when under the influence, the sentimentalist will talk about his deepest feelings with utmost abandon, Much like if he were reclining on the shrink's couch. His some semblance of a conversation may range from his ex girlfriends to the snobby cute face residing in his colony.Similar to a spiller, but not quite as dangerous.

The Repeater:
As the name suggests, this species may repeat sentences, (or even songs in some cases), without realising it, and possibly with lengthy pauses between repeats.A conversation with such a specimen may proceed somewhat like this:
Somewhat Sober: "Dude, are you drinking?"
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!"
(5 minutes later)
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!"
(5 minutes later)
Two quarters down: "Yeah, of course i am!

The Aggressor:
Exhibits (normally unnatural) violent behaviour when in a drunken stupor.Likely to pick a fight even with the bouncer. Which, by the way, is normally not a very good idea.
Aggressor1 + Aggressor2 -> Drunken Brawl
Aggressor1 + Bouncer -> Bouncer
An aggressor and a foulmouth is NOT a good combination.

The FoulMouth:
If you are under the age of eighteen, please take precautions to see that your eyes and ears are tightly shut when this species is in his/her element. The consequences could be serious.

The Feeler:
If you ever doubted the sexuality of your friend, this could very well be the time to confirm those suspicions. Common symptoms are: befriending strangers of the same sex (generally fellow Feelers, for they have great affinity) by establishing initial contact physically, rather than verbally, followed by a very uncomfortable looking intimate conversation.

The Spiller:
This species is probably the most dangerous of them all. When inebriated to a fair degree, a spiller will begin talking openly about everything that he/she is not supposed to. Secrets shall be revealed. The truth shall be told. All hail the spiller, the overlord of all drunks.

The Entertainer:
If you ever thought that the entertainment business was out of real talent you should see this species in his element.His acts may range from stand up comedy to a sing-and-dance performance.He’s mostly harmless but may turn into a foulmouth or an agressor if adequate support is not garnered from the “audience”.Sometimes his parameters of “adequate support” may exceed a full house Bill Cosby Show or a live Guns & Roses performance.As a ground rule this species mostly houses people with stage fright and sagging confidence levels.

The Robot:
This is the rarest of all species. The Robot's behaviour does not change even under the most acutely alcoholic circumstances. This is the guardian (and sometimes designated driver) of all species.

Note: A drunk may fall under any number of categories simultaneously.
“A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts” - unknown


bloom! said...

lolx! dis is so funny
esp da title
innovative :)
cheers! \m/

vipers den said...

thanx peru..finally u've baptized me as a blogger!!